Personal Reflection - My First Semester of College.

My first semester of college was absolutely insane. Things were constantly changing which I didn't really like. I wanted to be better than what I was last year so bad that I ended up trying too hard. My senior was really hard. I was very stressed out about getting into the school I now attend and was just very dissatisfied with myself at the time. I go to a small all girls college so its not like there are parties all around me or anything like that. We are close to a large university that has lots of activities that are also available to us. I was so excited in the beginning but very insecure and nervous. I was so concerned with making friends and getting involved. I started trying out some of the Christian organizations on campus. I felt like it would help and like it was something my parents would want me to do. Some were better than others. I was trying out a few churches and doing lots of activities and clubs and things related to study abroad. I felt like I needed to do these things in order to be known on campus and do well. Yet, I was so tired at the end of the day and usually had to stay up very late to finish homework and such. I started getting more involved with one Christian group and hanging out with them. It seemed like things were starting to come together. Then I got an email saying I was failing a class and had a D in another. I knew I was struggling but was too caught up in wanting to do well in other areas. Mid terms were very rough. I was not able to participate in homecoming because of my low grades and felt very alone even though I knew many people. I talked to one of my friends who was able to help. I actually talked to several friends who were able to help. Yet, I didn't totally realize what I needed to fix until I reevaluated things on my own. Many of the things that were problems for me came from insecurities I was having trouble holding onto. Ive learned its ok not to be doing something all the time. It doesnt mean you dont have friends or dont have a good social life. It just means that you're not doing something at the time. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Its ok to be alone sometimes. Its good to have alone time to recuperate and chill or catch up on homework. Its ok not to have something to do every weekend all the time. Ive learned that thats ok . I wasnt used to that kind of thing socially since in high school I was pretty chill, hung out with friends every now and then, but didnt really know what it was like. Now I feel like I will be able to balance things out so I will be able to hang out with my friends and bring my grades up and also keep them up. Its ok if you try out a bunch of different groups but when you find one you like the most its ok to spend more time with them than others. I tried way to hard trying to get to know a lot of people . I realized not everyone was someone who I wanted to be around a lot. Some of those people were kinda similar to me but pretty negative or just not uplifting. If they dont like that or if you wanna go to a different group instead of another cause of get more out of it thats fine! If they dont like it then fuck them! Excuse my french but I noticed that when I stopped worrying about what others thought of me a lot got better. Also if you think you want it all, you dont. No one wants it all. We want the outcome of it all but good things can come without totally burning ourselves out and doing things we think we enjoy but are only doing because were either used to it , feel obligated to it, or are trying to impress someone or ourselves. Really think about why you are doing that club or event or even major. Just because youre good at it doesnt mean you're gonna be loving it 10-20 years down the line. Thats what really matters, that you do something you are passionate about and still can make a living from it. Less really is more. Going back to doing too much at first, its good to explore a wide variety of things but then narrow it down to what you really wanna do. This coming semester I will probably only be doing 2 clubs and then getting involved with a Christian organization I enjoy a lot. I wish I had done that more and not spread myself so thin that I was literally exhausted at the end of the day both physically and emotionally. Its ok not to have a good day every day but a positive attitude can help. Small talk is pretty common not just on campus but in life. If someone asks you how you are if youre not good or fine they dont say it. Not that you should be a downer and say youre life sucks or start complaining which I dont like. Its ok to complain sometimes but too much can bring both you and the other people down. Just be honest and say like " not great but I can't complain " or if it is good then thats fine too. A lot of this is me talking to myself and to someone that this might help. Now I feel comfortable with who I hang out with and am ok with not doing everything and missing out on things to study. Because thats the main reason you are in college to learn. Also gen eds are gonna suck. Just try to get through and work hard. Although there is a lot I wish I had done differently, I feel like Ive learned a lot about myself and have grown a lot. Its crazy to think that about a month ago I was wondering if I was even gonna make it and now I love my school and am so excited for the rest that is to come.